My heart had been feeling so flimsy. If I could hold it in my hand it would fall through my fingers like jelly. Falling to the floor so quickly only to be spread everywhere. Small pieces all over the floor. Picking up what I can but knowing ill miss some pieces. Have to mop up the small pieces while knowing my heart may never return to it’s original size and fullness. Learning to love with my new heart would be such a challenge. Trying my best not to over work it because it may become weak again. Hoping a new love will assist with spreading my heart back to its size, slowly but carefully. Praying that love for me will fulfill it. Missing its original beat. It sounds faint, quiet, and still. I worry that it’s grown so dull that it’ll never be the same. Will it ever feel again something so pure. I lay here still on my back. I no longer feel it…beating.

I was driving to a friends house to get away from all the chaos that has been happening around me. I took one of those long back roads because I just needed to be away from everything. This back road was long but quiet. Little to no traffic. As I passed many trees my eyes were starting to fill with tears. I guess in that moment the trees were getting to live more freely than me. I continue to drive as I wiped my face from disbelief that my life was currently at this place. Then I came to this stop. The traffic light was flashing red. I was so stuck just staring at this particular light and sign. I know this just simply means you can go left or right, but stop and look first. But when I looked at it, it felt a little different this day.

When I say the flashing red lights of course it made me stop. It made me stop to take a breath. It made me stop to try and think more clearly. It made me stop and analyze what way may be better for me to take. Those flashing lights meant STOP beyond what everyone saw them to be. For me those flashing red lights meant stop and pay attention to all the decisions I make from that day forward. It’s important to take a moment or moments to just think. Not to overwhelm yourself, but to think clear enough for you to make an accurate decision.

The S.R. just meant State Route, but for me it meant Steer Right! And not just steer to the RIGHT, but steer in the RIGHT DIRECTION. The Arrows indicated to go left or right. Stop before you make a decision, and truly think about the pros and cons of the choice you are going to make. I stared at this traffic light and traffic sign for a good 5 minutes because it spoke wonders to me. What are my risk for going in opposite direction? Will I make it? Will I fail if I go this route? What opportunities will present themselves by going to the left rather than the right? Honestly, my biggest question is which direction does God want me to go in? What way will he approve of? What better serves a purpose for my life?

I never want to make a life decision that will deter me from receiving the blessings that God has for my life. I know that what ever God has planned for me is way better than any decision that I can choose. I guess I’m in a place where I need God to speak clearly this time as far as which direction I need to go. Whether it’s to the left or the right direction, I know the outcome will be great.

So, if you’re in a place in your life where you feel stuck, and you’re not sure which direction. Take time to confirm with God before you make any decision. Especially when you are unsure of the outcome due to that decision. God loves us, and wants nothing but the best for us. He doesn’t want us to take any extra paths that will add time to the journey he is leading us on.

Following Christ has been such an amazing journey thus far. There are ups and downs of course, but just having that on going fire for God has always kept me afloat. Recently life has took a turn for what I call a total smack down. I’ve never been the perfect person thus far, but I think I’m pretty decent. The last few months have been a uphill downhill battle. I lived away from home, and I thought I was making things work. As I continue to travel through the months, it’s like the road became more and more bumpy. I braced myself each day, not knowing really what was to come. I kept my control for the most part. Things eventually became quite hard. Move out dates were moved up, bills increased, but I kept my strength in God. I cried of course due to frustration and misunderstanding what God was doing. I just decided to go with the flow of things.

I called my family, and of course they were okay with me coming home. They obviously missed having me around, and wanted nothing more to have me back. Me on the other hand felt like a failure. I want to give my readers full transparency when it comes to my life. I mean why would I want to return to a place I left? I felt as though I was coming back and had nothing in hand to show for it. Yeah, I felt hell of lonely many days while living in Georgia, but I made God the head of my life, and I was determined to finish what I started. He gave me everything I asked for when I moved, and I was just hoping I got the same while it seemed that he was pushing me back to Florida. While living in Ga I constantly prayed that I wouldn’t have any financial problems, I would continue to loose weight, I would be able to see my family more. I prayed for more things of course, just praying that God would walk ahead of me, and lead me as usual.

I moved back to Florida. I got an apartment, and I was able to keep my job due to the pandemic. Weird right? Most people loss their jobs due to the pandemic, but it seemed that God made a way for me to get everything done. I was able to move to Florida ahead of time and work from home. I didn’t allow myself to wallow in my misery for long during this move. Things were moving along pretty quickly, and God definitely walked ahead of me. I put the thought of failure behind me, and made things look so easy. But I was dying on the inside. As soon as I got settled into my apartment I thought the bad things were over for me honestly. But then appeared those childhood traumas that I so hardly tried to forget. They crept into my mind like a dirty raccoon sneaking into the dumpster at night. Those childhood things always followed me around, but they were suppressed for so long. They actually seem to bother me more as I got older and needed solidarity in my life. The thoughts pushed themselves into my mind, and I loss sleep many nights. I just wanted a break. Friends were turning their backs on me, and it hurt like hell. People thought I was just ignoring them , but I just really was going through some tough mental things. I just needed a break..

Of course I didn’t get the break yet. I’m suppose to be becoming free from those things that haunt me at night, but instead things seem to stack on top of one another. So, basically I’m sitting at my computer to say that I guess this storm is way longer than I anticipated it to be. The anger floods my veins like never before. Unfortunately, instead of feeling free, I’m feeling bound like never before. My relationship with God is the most important thing to me. He’s my best friend, but right now I honestly feel as though he’s mad at me. I’ve gotten the normal responses as far as don’t give up, and pray. Honestly, when I tried to pray the last two days, I couldn’t find the words to say. Never before have I been speechless towards God. Even when I’m angry. I’ve always been able to scream, yell , cry, but always tell him how I feel. But this time…. I’m lost..and so are my words.

Sitting at home without knowing whats next can drive a person insane. Not knowing what direction your next source of income is coming from. Not knowing what sleep will look like for the next few weeks. Trust God is all I can hear. But all I can feel is failure around me. People can tell you a million times that you have done a great job, but if you don’t see it for yourself then those statements are good as void. I’m fighting against myself and my personal thoughts.

I just want to know whats next for me……

I’m usually AFRAID to let go..

To let go of your hand because..I know another hand will replace mine.

AFRIAD…to loosen my embrace because I know the warmth you give me will escape me.

AFRAID…to close my eyes because I may loose sight of what we stood for in the beginning.

AFRAID.. to walk away because something tells me you won’t run behind me.

But, TODAY, I’m no longer afraid

I’m letting go of your hand because our hands no longer seem to fit perfectly.

I’m loosening my embrace because it feels cold here now.

I’m not afraid to walk away because I know it has to be something better.

See, I remember being AFRAID to loose you, your mind, your body, your soul.

Until, I realized that I fell in love with the idea of the person you could be.

Yet, still while being afraid to loose the man you were.

I’m free..

Things always seem to be so great in the beginning…

Feelings are so pure.. Smiles are so warm..

Hugs are so tight…But gentle..

Gentle as the touch of someones fingertips sliding down your skin..

Everything seems to be so exciting..funny..adventurous

Because of charm you over look the signs that tell you STOP AHEAD…

Continue to walk in the bliss off oblivion..

Continue to hold hands with the very thing that will break you down..

Kiss the lips that will curse you and put you down…

Look into the very eyes that will lie to you…As those same eyes watch the tears fall down your face..

Time passes and you feel yourself slipping away from everything that seemed so right..

You grabbed the rope to hang on to while he has you dangled in the air…

The rope is breaking day by day…your starting to sweat..you know it’s coming to an end..

your fingers are slipping…your palms are burning from the constant pain of being strong and holding on..

The rope BREAKS…As you fall the face of the very thing that tore you apart starts to disappear…They’re gone..

Then you realize…you’re free…

It was a Sunday afternoon and Candace had just came from church. She wore her pastel purple colored dress that fell off of he shoulders just enough not to look slutty in the house of God. She wore cute white flats that made her feet looking amazing for once. She always thought she had feet like her fathers, but they were nice as long as they were polished. She threw her keys on the counter and dropped her purse on the counter by the fridge. She took a deep breath and opened the fridge to see the bottle of wine she had been saving for days now. She took that out and put it on ice and grabbed some pepperonis, crackers, and cheese for a snack. Church was definitely for her today she thought to herself. Pastor Dixon preached in the book of 1 Corinthians regarding love. It was something she thought she had a handle on, but actually had lost sight on. As she was in deep thought her phone started to vibrate. She walked over and picked it up to see that it was, Donald, her boyfriend. The text said ” I miss you, can’t wait to spend time with my favorite girl”. Candace cracked a smile, but only replies with a simple ” I miss you too, and the feeling is mutual”. She loved Donald, but ever since she had noticed things that didn’t sit well with her, she has been a little stand-offish as she would say. She didn’t bring anything up to Donald about how she was feeling because he would just lie and twist things and confuse her. At this point she wanted to know if she was just holding on because she didn’t want to be alone, or if they were meant to be.
Candace would be heading to see Donald in a couple days. They had a long distance relationship, and on her end she was completely faithful. The fact that she opened herself up again after what she had been through was big for her, but to open up and be hurt again just wasn’t apart of her plans. she put the phone down and walked over to her couch with her wine and snacks. She had a lot to think about, and she wanted to clear her head before she saw Donald. She just needed some kind of sign. As Candace watched TV, she heard a knock on the door. “I wasn’t expecting any company today” she thought to herself. She got up to open the door and smiled with so much joy to see her friend Justice standing there with this goofy ass smile. She wanted to be alone to think, but she rather have the company of one of her best friends. Justice was so down to earth and understanding, but such a realist at the same time. Sometimes Candace couldn’t handle all her realness in one day. The two women hugged each other so tight as if they never wanted to let go. They walked over to the living room to get comfortable. Justice took a sip of Candace’s wine and they just threw their heads back and laughed. ” So whats been up love ? How are you? We haven’t talked in like two weeks! I had to come and check on you!” said Justice. Candace took a deep breath and said ” Jus I’ve been really in my head lately. Trying to figure out my life. Hell mostly my love life. I’ve just been feeling uneasy about a few things”. Justice put the wine glass down because she could look in her friends face to see that this was serious. ” Candace whats been going on ? You guys seem so happy most of the time. Have you prayed about it? I’m surprised your even mentioning him regarding that you keep your relationships so secretive now.” Justice says.
Candace tilts her head and twisted her mouth as if she was confused. She knew Justice was right, but keeping a relationship just between her and her lover seemed to be the best thing for her. She figured that if she was to get hurt then the whole world wouldn’t have to know about it. She could take the disappointment silently. ” Well yeah I do keep my relationships under wrapped because it just better when less people know whats going on with you life. But yes, I started talking to God about it, and I’m honestly waiting on his reply.” Candace said with a big sigh. It’s just little things that bother me, or that I notice that puts me in a not trusting mindset. I could be over reacting, or I could be right about the whole thing, Jus, I was thinking maybe that a relationship may be a distraction right now?” Candace said with a loud exhale. Justice scooted over closer to Candace and gave her a hug. She knew the feelings Candace had were real and no advice she had could lighten the mood except God. “Candace, lets pray together, put it all out on the table for God to handle, and then you continue to live your life with less worry because of course he’ll fight your battles. Don’t let this stump you girl.” said Justice with a Strong embrace.
Both women got on their knees and held each others hands and closed their eyes as they started to pray:

Candace: Heavenly Father I come to you today asking you to purify my heart, mind, body, and soul. Clear my head of all mischief and hurtful things. Lord clear my path and give me wisdom beyond my years. Lord if you could lead my heart and mind in the right direction. If I’m not suppose to be in this moment please remove me from the situation.

Justice: Lord, and if this is where she is suppose to be in the moment then please provide her with the necessary tools to get her through. There will be no depression, no unhappiness, no hurtful tears. Give her the armor she needs to make it through any battle, but we know she won’t need to fight because you will fight all her battles. Give her patience Lord..

Together: We love you Lord, In Jesus name Amen

They got up and sat back on the couch. Candace looked at Justice with so much appreciation. ” Jus, Thank you for being here with me and praying. Talking to God is the only thing keeping me afloat seems like. Love is suppose to be pure just like my Lord…And I won’t settle for anything less. I love you girl ” Candace said. ” I love you too boo” smiled Justice.

Nothing is worse than your silent tears

The moments when you sit in your room on the bed and tears just fall quietly so you won’t wake the others in the home

Nothing is worse than your silent tears

The moments you need to scream , but nothing seems to come out

Nothing is worse than your silent tears

The moments when you actually need a hug, but too embarrassed to tell anyone

Nothing is worse than your silent tears

The moments when you know you need to leave a situation in the past, but your heart won’t let go

Nothing is worse than your silent tears

The moments when you’re feeling all alone and don’t know who to talk to

Nothing is worse than your silent tears

Where you feel your heart breaking into pieces and no one there to help you clean it up

Nothing is worse than your silent tears

When your too embarrassed to cry to anyone else because you’ve made the same decision again and again

Nothing is worse than your silent tears

Because you know what you have to do will break your heart now, and you’re not sure if your ready…

These tears are my stories of fear, heartbreak, and misfortune.

Because when your crying silent tears on the side of your bed

Just know I’m right there along with you…silently crying, but praying for better days…

Here it is fall of  November 20th 2018 and I feel everything sitting on top of me like heavy bricks. I’ve tried to keep everything in order, but I’m such an anxious person I continue to think about the things that I sometimes shouldn’t. My first semester is ending, and I must say I’m exhausted. My brain won’t stop thinking about all the things that I have to tend to during this time. I’ve realized that trying to do multiple things like work, go to school, have a relationship, and also still be sociable with others is sometimes hard. I’ve lacked in some areas this year and I’m praying that this new year brings out the best in me. My brain has been scattered beautifully this year but I have learned many things about myself. I take chances with people, but I’m quick to close the door to someone I feel isn’t good for me.  I can surround myself with love, but if I don’t love myself then I’d still feel empty. Sometimes old wounds open back up with the right conversation. And it’s okay to say NO! I’m on a journey of growth every day and it’s a place where I’ll never become comfortable. Which is good because we can not grow where there is comfort. I no longer want to settle into a place and let my feet sink into the quick sand of life. I’ve given myself the freedom to only let certain things trigger the tears that fall down my face. People always says its okay to cry, but I use to let everything hurt me to tears.  I won’t allow that anymore. I want to be a more brilliant woman, but still be the compassionate me I’ve always been. This is no New Years resolution….This is just me imagining a better mindset for the upcoming days, months, years to come. 

I know pain all to well.

Pain is falling off your bike and scraping your knee at the age of 7.

Pain is watching your dad pack his bags at the age of 12.

Pain is watching your sister move with your grandmother at the age of 14.

Pain is watching the guy you thought you loved flirt with other girls in front of your face.

Pain is hearing you need to loose weight at the age of 15.

Pain is being benched your last game of the cheering season because your coach didn’t feel you fit the uniform.

Pain is feeling helpless to have a relationship with your dad during high school.

Pain is getting engaged at the age of 18, only to be made like you’re not good enough months later.

Pain is having to live with the man you love, but he doesn’t love you at the moment.

Pain is seeing him fall for someone else..

Pain is being in a new relationship twice, only to get cheated on twice.

Pain is getting back with the man you loved but seeing it fall to fire right before your eyes.

Pain is loosing yourself AGAIN..

Pain is seeing him get with who he thought was the girl of his dreams.

Pain is seeing them split , and still not being enough to get you guys back on track.

Pain is using money to think that it would bring a man closer.

Pain is again at 23 feeling alone while surrounded by so many people.

Pain is watching your best friend cry over and over again..

Pain is pain when pain is all you know…

Pain is my reoccurring tears..

When will I go numb to pain…

 

Written : June 16th 2017

 

 

I would wake up thinking about you…

How you changed my life completely…

Not for the bad..not for the good..

But my life change so distinctively..

I’ve never cried so much..Never smiled so much..

It’s all so weird to me…

I’m in a place where I don’t expect much..

But I want it all…

For your hands to hold mine…

For your eyes to look into mine…

For your arms to embrace my body…

For your mind to understand mine…

When I find myself alone…

Your the only one I want around most of the time…

You’ve changed me..distinctively and completely…