So I have been in constant fasting mode the past three weeks! It honestly hasn’t been the easiest, but it has taught me a few things. I started my fast because I went to a great church here in Atlanta Ga called The Dream Center Church of Atlanta. It was an amazing experience and the church as a whole were about to do a fast together. Even though I was just visiting I decided to join in because I knew there were things that I needed to change and doors that I needed open. So I fasted from meat, sweets, and social media. There were additional things that were on the list as well. I didn’t succeed with everything like no cursing and not showing acts of anger. Those things were very hard for me because I’m really trying to better the way I react to certain situations. I’ll have to do additional fasting that!  But I’m over all proud of myself that I stuck with the food part. Being plus size and wanting to loose weight really pushed me to stick with the fast. Not being so focused on social media also helped.

During the hours of 12am-4pm I could only eat veggies and fruit with water. Absolutely no meat was to be eaten at this time. At first this was a true struggle but then I started to learn my way around the kitchen and the groceries store with new ideas. Also even after 4pm I learned how to still eat my veggies with a meat. I also drink smoothies for meal replacements and ate lots of salad(I love salad). Day by day my cravings would kick in! But the only two things I wanted most was bread and chicken! I’ve never wanted to eat bread so bad in my life! That’s literally all I could think about! When I went visit home I actually had two slices of pizza, but it was after 4pm. I even ate wings with my pizza in which they were baked, but the sauce added he calories. Only having water didn’t bother me much because I actually love water. I don’t really drink soda or juice, but I did have to stay away from Gatorade.

I learned that when you sigh when you eat that’s when you’re full! SO STOP EATING! I learned that there are many ways to cook meals with veggies without it being boring. Also  making smoothies were fun! I added avocado and it made the smoothie really smooth! Also keep in mind that Avacado helps with belly fat among other things.

I guess im excited because I started with something and actually finished. I’m proud of myself, but I’m no where near done. This has actually just begun!!! Stay tuned!

*By the way  I got grumpy on some days from being hungry and wanting something I couldn’t have! Don’t judge! I’m human!

Last time I posted I took you back to a time where someone shamed me in front of the whole church. The incident I’m about to enlighten you on today is how I was forever shamed in front of a deacon, but he never even knew how he made me feel.

So, we were having this church event where my dance group had to perform. Usually after we dance we always sit in the back of the church with our friends, or go outside to our young adult church group.  Everyone decided the stay inside the church because the parents didn’t want to miss this sermon. I happened to get up and head out to the restroom, and there he was, the boy I liked. No harm in that as long as I was being appropriate. At the moment we stood outside and laughed and just caught up with each other.  All of a sudden one of the deacons of the church walked up and asked us what we were doing outside. I didn’t think too much into it because we honestly were not doing anything wrong. My friend stated ” We’re not doing anything” , and the deacon goes, ” You need to go back in the church now”. If I can remember  he said something to me like I need to stay away from him or something. I walked back into the church to finish out the sermon. I didn’t get the real  heat until I got into the car with my mom.

Once my mom picked up my sister and me, she instantly let me have it. Out of everything she said the one thing that caught my attention was that the deacon told my mom I was easy! If you’re not familiar with this term it just means that someone could say or do anything and you would let them have sexual encounters with you. I couldn’t believe this man actually had the nerve to say this about me, but more so to my mother. I was somewhat upset with my mother because I don’t think she defended me like I wanted her too. I mean it honestly hurt my feelings to the point where I thought less of myself. I didn’t tell anyone how it made me feel. I just let it settle inside and let it push me further away from God. I constantly asked myself  how could this man that barely knew me say something so sexually demeaning about me.  As a young adult I did ask myself did God tell him that? I questioned myself and so much more. I never looked at that deacon the same after that.

Day by day, month by month, I became less and less interested in what God had to offer. I still knew him…but I didn’t find the need to talk to him, or spend anytime with him on a personal level. By the age of 18 we had grown completely apart. I believed good things only happened to perfect people, and I was far from that…

To be Continued…

Growing up my mom made us go to church every Sunday and Wednesday. She got us involved in dance ministry and the church choir. I always had a good time going to church when I was able to go to the groups for the children. Church was suppose to be a place where every one came together to learn about Christ and how to live the best lives we could. Going to church at a younger age I always heard the grown up tell each other to have faith. I mean every time there was a problem in someone ones life they would say ” have faith” , and the size of a mustard seed at that. I didn’t understand it much until I got a little older as to what they meant. Coming out of high school and moving in to my own place, I completely stopped going to church. I mean I knew God, but I was very distant from him. I sort of felt like I went so much as a kid that it wouldn’t hurt to give church a break for a while. Along the way I figured I was wrong.
You’re probably wondering if there was a reason that I stopped going all together. Well in church we use to have speakers that would come visit. I actually loved when they came because I got to look at things from a different view point. Now sometimes I didn’t understand what the preacher was referring to, but I’m sure I’m not the only one that has experienced that. So, this one time this women in which she was a prophetess came to do a sermon at our church. She was a strong spiritual women who everyone respected ; She could look at you and the Holy Spirit would speak through her. I always liked this about spiritual people because I’ve always wanted to know what God thought about me. I seemed to always get over looked and I didn’t know why..haha. Well this day I was about 15 or so and she called all the kids to the front. Of course I was nervous because I thought this would be my moment of truth! Where I would be able to know what God has to say to me. I walked up there with all the other kids that I knew, and she is just touching and agreeing as the church folk would say. She finally got to me, but before I get into what she said, I wanted to let you know what the church thought of me first or at least what I thought they thought of me. I was becoming a young woman, and no one could seem to understand that it was bound to happen for me to start liking boys! They didn’t want me sitting with boys and barely talking to them. My mom use to say ” Don’t you be at this church all over that boy either”..Haha..I mean now its funny, but at the time it was so annoying.
Now back to me standing at the alter with this “prophetess”. Now every one she has touched she has said some nice things about them! Honestly I didn’t know what to expect. I figured if it was something good she would say it out loud, but if it was bad she would put the damn microphone away from her mouth and tell me in my ear! Apparently not!!!! The microphone is to her mouth and she says ” If you don’t listen to your mama, you’re going to end up having 5 kids”…….!!!!!!! Are you kidding me woman!!???? I looked at her and walked down the isle so the next person could go. Do you know how humiliating it was to walk down the isle back to my seat? All I heard while I was walking was “mmhmm” and “I told ya”. The stares made me so uncomfortable that I wanted to walk out and just leave. By the way…I was not sexually active at this time. The most I had every done was french kiss a boy! but hell who hadn’t! I was so ashamed, hurt, and frustrated. That day was the first experience of me not wanting to ever come back to church again, and part of me loosing my faith in God and in the church itself. Yes I was young, but it all starts someone where early in the experience. I would like to state that I’ve always listened to my mother. And I’m currently about to be 25 in December with NO KIDS. I’m not saying she was completely wrong…well no..she was wrong..and it was totally disrespectful for her to say those things out in front of the whole church. I didn’t picture God to be that way and at 15 years old it left a sour taste in my mouth.

To be continued….

Jerlene Watson

Born: September 4th 1948

Born Again: July 5th 2013

Sometimes In life we need a reason to be strong, or for someone to show us how to be. My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer in 2012 . We honestly thought she was going to win the fight. She was such an amazing person inside and out. She had been through quite a bit in her life to where granny became a little sheltered, but she kept the family together. Every one loved her. She was always there to hug you, encourage you, but tell your ass how it is. She was my best friend. I never kept secrets from her. She would always call me and talk to me about everything. She could talk for hours each day and she never forgot numbers either. The family always said the time she forgot a number is when we would know she was sick.
She didn’t go many places…She would usually makes us walk to the store and get what she wanted or call for someone with a car to get it for her. She was just the cutest. She faught for as long as she could. Went under the knife so they could remove the cancer. I remember the day I saw my mom cry in the car because the doctor told her that even after the surgery the cancer would come back 100%. That broke my heart to see my mom about to loose her mom and my grandmother. For me I never cried during funerals or when I knew someone was termanial. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. That was until I knew I was going to loose her. I’ll never forget how the family came together and took care of her. My mom, My aunt Cassandra and my two cousins Britney and B especially. If I felt like I was dying while just being around from day to day…I can only imgaine the pain they felt having to be there from sun up to sun down seeing her decline. I’ll always look up to them for that!
She declined pretty quickly, and I mean quickly because it was a 10 month time spand. Now that I look at it I realized she started to live her best life in those 10 months. She never got out much, but she started going everywhere with the family. We took her out to eat to this chinese buffet. I mean the whole family was there. Thinking about it makes me cry becasue she seemed so happy in those last moments. She went to the hospital and saw my little cousin Jayla being born. I remember coming home from the hospital with her. We were riding downtown and she saw all the lights. She was so excited and amazed by this. It may be a small thing to some people, but to her she was living her best life in her last days. She got to cook me my favorite meal before she passed ( pork and beans and pork chop). She called and told me to come get it and she loved me. Weeks later she called me, and didn’t know who she was calling. That tore me to a million pieces. A week or so later she couldn’t swallow her food…and then it got hard for her to speak…and it hurt when you touched her..and then…on July 5th 2013 my grandmother decided she wanted to go home. I hated for her to go, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t dare to see a beautiful soul like hers suffer here on this earth another day.

When She left she took my heart with her. But I believe she’s just saving it for me , so I can give it to the right person one day. When she died I couldn’t believe it, but she came to me in my dream. She was laying down in what looked like a casket. She got up and started dancing. She just kept saying I’m okay! I’m okay! Don’t worry! This was the night before her going away celebration. I woke up with so much strength on that day. Honestly, days, months, and years after it still remains hard to live without her. But just knowing that she is okay makes it a little bit easier to live another day knowing she’s gone. Today marks her 5 year home going, and she decided to come to me in a dream on July 3rd. She told me to give my mom a message to let her know that she is in heaven and she remains happy and okay. She then looks at me.. and she says ” stop giving your heart to people who don’t deserve it. It’s so big, but some people don’t deserve it all..be careful”. I woke up feeling warm and loved. So happy to see her, but also so shocked because of the message she gave me. Me and my mom literally were talking about the same thing hours before.. and I maybe brushed the subject off a little bit. She defintely came and gave me some reassurance as a grandmother would.

If I could just have one more day to tell you I love you…I’d say it a million times to make sure you’d never forget. I love you and I miss you grandma. You were my best friend, and I’ll always remember how you stood by my side on my good and bad days. How you gave me advice and always kept my secrets. How you hugged and kissed me and told me you loved me. How you danced around and lit up the room. I would ask you to come back but because of you being selfish is something I lack.

I never knew how something so small could be so significant to me until the day I cried over a broken shoe. It’s totally funny now, but then I felt as though it was the end of the world.

I’ve learned that when we first meet someone we are in this bliss stage where everything seems to go right. We say and do the right things. We buy each other gifts. Everything seems so perfect. That’s what I was feeling except it wasn’t the beginning stage. We were hanging in there with each other for a while. Of course we were still learning about each other, but things seemed good. Every relationship has it’s test, and you’re learning about one another each day. At this point I thought I was in love. He made me smile so hard at times. He gave me butterflies in which I hadn’t felt in a long time. The smallest things he did made me feel like I loved him more and more each day. When we were Good, everything was perfect, but when we were BAD everything was bad. I’m aware I’m the type of person that may say things that should not be said just because you’re in an argument, but this time I felt as though things needed to be said. I feel like I’ve altered that part of me quite a bit, but people still don’t like what I have to say during an argument. Now remember this is totally from my point of view because I have no clue how he felt at the moment.

Ok on with the story…well we had just had a great two days together and I felt like our relationship was in a great place. Hours before I arrived home we argued about a pair of shoes that he bought me, but took back (hid from me) because he was mad at me. If I’m not mistaken he was mad about me tossing and turning in the bed to where it had awaken him. My apologies, but it was something that I tried to solve by going into the living room. Apparently that wasn’t a good idea. So you see!! this all started out with a damn pair of shoes! HaHa! But it’s not the broken shoe I cried over. This is the damn shoes that started the END of us.

During the argument about the pair of sneakers he got me…I was enraged..I mean it took me back to a past relationship where someone did the same thing for different reasons. Once I realized I was about to go back to a dark place I tried to patch up the anger and even kissed him goodbye. I thought I was being the bigger person. Once I got home..the time continued to go past and I hadn’t heard anything from him. Minutes turned into hours and hours turned into days. I questioned the absence, but I got no Response. Soon enough I got a reality check and figured he was done with me. We exchanged very rude things to each other in which I honestly started because I felt like a total fool. I was angry, embarrassed, and I didn’t understand how he could be mad at me when he chose to do something so childish. Of course at this point it was definitely the end of us, and I was crushed by this.

Moving forward a few days later….I was trying to keep myself busy so I went to Walmart to buy a few things to cook for dinner. The sky was so black and I knew it was about to storm. When I went into Walmart( one of my favorite stores) it was only sprinkling at the time. I put this little thin over lay sweater over my head and got into the store barely wet. When i came out is when the problems started. As soon as I made it into the store the storm started. It was BAD! I paid for my things and I could feel the wind rush across my skin as I got closer to the Exit. The little hairs stood up on my legs and arms from being cold. This day I happened to want to wear the sandals he bought me. They were bedazzled with white and silver beads. I mean they were beautiful sandals. The strap to buckle them together was white. I grabbed my bags in which I had maybe 6 bags and they were all not light. I had 6 bags on one arm and my purse and keys in the other with the sweater over my head. I started out to the parking lot with so much intensity and determination to get to my car. By the way I just had took down my hair and I was wearing my natural hair! You can only imagine what it looked like once I took 5 steps into this storm. I was going and going and I felt my right foot slide forward a little in my shoe. I thought the shoes had grip, but apparently not. These shoes definitely showed me that beauty is pain that day! So I slowed down and tried to catch up with my damn show because it was obviously ahead of me! Once I realized that my car was one row over I tried to cross over. This huge truck decides to back up while I’m trying to cross over. I’m walking faster at this point because both of us can’t make it, and he decides to let me go because I’m getting soaked. I took one more step and all hell broke loose. The shoe completely stopped and my foot slid forward so fast that the part in between my toes pop loose!!!!! the only thing that connected the shoe to my foot was the buckle that was still fastened around my ankle. My heart is pounding from me almost falling on my ass, stubbing my toe, and oh the embarrassment that I felt from the woman looking at me in her truck. Once I got to my car I plopped down so hard, and slide the rest of my body and bags into the car. My heart racing still. I finally calm down enough to crank the car…I back up and drive off..In the midst of being soaking wet…All I could think about was the fact that my shoe was broken. I felt the tears fill up in eyes as the road way got slightly blurred. I tried to hold in my tears, but of course they were in total control. My emotions started to get the best of me. I pulled up to my house and sat in the car as these really hurtful thoughts came across my mind. I knew I cared for him a lot, but when I cried over the shoe being broken is when I knew I truly loved him. I realize I can beat the fact that he left and I need to get over it in my head over and over, but the genuine love that I had for him will always surface in a form of a smile or tears. I also realize that everything won’t end on a good note. Depending on the situation and the people involved , the result will always be different.

I still hadn’t thrown the shoes away because I didn’t think my heart was ready to let go just yet, but my mind definitely was. Just remember when you find yourself crying over a broken shoe or as they say spilled milk, there’s such deeper meaning in the process of your healing. Heal at your own risk. You don’t have to prove to anyone how strong you are. We love differently and that’s okay!

Sister Sister

I sit and look at all of you

trying to understand how you became so beautiful

Your mind so strong, Dreams so big

Resilient in every conflict

You’ve cried during the storms, but I never seen you break

You’ve adjusted yourself to the changes around you, no matter what’s at stake

When you hurt you smile, When you’re weak you dance

The pain that was there never stood a chance

I hate to see the tears run down your face

I hate to feel your hurt through empathy

The silence in the room when you feel like you’ve had enough

Is so loud that my ears ring

But in these moments lean on me…..Sister

Let me be your strength to carry you into the next day

Let me be your laughter on this cold hurtful day

Let me be your embrace as you lay your head on my chest

Let me be your hope just in case you don’t have any left

Take my hand and hold it tight because I’ll never let go

If I may ever have to lead you, just trust me when I say

I have your best interest at heart

Forever in my heart it’ll stay

So pick your head up sweet sister

never keep it down

And just in case you can’t

I’ll always be here to readjust your crown 👑

Dedicated to all my Queens❤️

Thanks for joining me!! Welcome to My world Of Honesty and Love!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton