Good as Void

Following Christ has been such an amazing journey thus far. There are ups and downs of course, but just having that on going fire for God has always kept me afloat. Recently life has took a turn for what I call a total smack down. I’ve never been the perfect person thus far, but I think I’m pretty decent. The last few months have been a uphill downhill battle. I lived away from home, and I thought I was making things work. As I continue to travel through the months, it’s like the road became more and more bumpy. I braced myself each day, not knowing really what was to come. I kept my control for the most part. Things eventually became quite hard. Move out dates were moved up, bills increased, but I kept my strength in God. I cried of course due to frustration and misunderstanding what God was doing. I just decided to go with the flow of things.

I called my family, and of course they were okay with me coming home. They obviously missed having me around, and wanted nothing more to have me back. Me on the other hand felt like a failure. I want to give my readers full transparency when it comes to my life. I mean why would I want to return to a place I left? I felt as though I was coming back and had nothing in hand to show for it. Yeah, I felt hell of lonely many days while living in Georgia, but I made God the head of my life, and I was determined to finish what I started. He gave me everything I asked for when I moved, and I was just hoping I got the same while it seemed that he was pushing me back to Florida. While living in Ga I constantly prayed that I wouldn’t have any financial problems, I would continue to loose weight, I would be able to see my family more. I prayed for more things of course, just praying that God would walk ahead of me, and lead me as usual.

I moved back to Florida. I got an apartment, and I was able to keep my job due to the pandemic. Weird right? Most people loss their jobs due to the pandemic, but it seemed that God made a way for me to get everything done. I was able to move to Florida ahead of time and work from home. I didn’t allow myself to wallow in my misery for long during this move. Things were moving along pretty quickly, and God definitely walked ahead of me. I put the thought of failure behind me, and made things look so easy. But I was dying on the inside. As soon as I got settled into my apartment I thought the bad things were over for me honestly. But then appeared those childhood traumas that I so hardly tried to forget. They crept into my mind like a dirty raccoon sneaking into the dumpster at night. Those childhood things always followed me around, but they were suppressed for so long. They actually seem to bother me more as I got older and needed solidarity in my life. The thoughts pushed themselves into my mind, and I loss sleep many nights. I just wanted a break. Friends were turning their backs on me, and it hurt like hell. People thought I was just ignoring them , but I just really was going through some tough mental things. I just needed a break..

Of course I didn’t get the break yet. I’m suppose to be becoming free from those things that haunt me at night, but instead things seem to stack on top of one another. So, basically I’m sitting at my computer to say that I guess this storm is way longer than I anticipated it to be. The anger floods my veins like never before. Unfortunately, instead of feeling free, I’m feeling bound like never before. My relationship with God is the most important thing to me. He’s my best friend, but right now I honestly feel as though he’s mad at me. I’ve gotten the normal responses as far as don’t give up, and pray. Honestly, when I tried to pray the last two days, I couldn’t find the words to say. Never before have I been speechless towards God. Even when I’m angry. I’ve always been able to scream, yell , cry, but always tell him how I feel. But this time…. I’m lost..and so are my words.

Sitting at home without knowing whats next can drive a person insane. Not knowing what direction your next source of income is coming from. Not knowing what sleep will look like for the next few weeks. Trust God is all I can hear. But all I can feel is failure around me. People can tell you a million times that you have done a great job, but if you don’t see it for yourself then those statements are good as void. I’m fighting against myself and my personal thoughts.

I just want to know whats next for me……

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